Letting the Dust Settle

A few days after I posted my first blog (I'm gonna do this three times a week, minimum!, I said) my dad was in a near-fatal car crash.

He's been borderline diabetic for a while, and what the doctors are thinking is that he had some sort of diabetic shock-type episode. He rear-ended an 18 wheeler hauling a 40 foot roll-off garbage dumpster. Ouch.

He's alive, and walking less than two months later, and I thank God in Heaven for all of the miracles he worked with my father. By all rights, I should be mourning his death, not celebrating his life.

I am in mourning though. Having this stress in my life allowed me to see who and what was really important to me, what was working and what wasn't. My life with my fiance- it wasn't working. We were in break-up mode for a month, and officially broke things off just after the new year.

He is still living in my home. I can accept that he isn't the right one for me, and me for him, but I'm having such a hard time accepting that we spent three years together. We were engaged to be married in less than a year. How did we change so much without noticing that we got that close to lifelong vows without realizing the severity of our problems? It still hurts me now, even though I've mentally moved on, that he couldn't love me enough to help me make it work between us. I know the divorce rate is high, but I (naively, I suppose) think that if people would just work harder on things with eachother, then everyone could live beautiful, happy lives in wedded bliss.

He should be out in about three weeks. Too long, from what my nearest and dearest tell me. All told, we will have lived together for two months past our expiration date. I hate every last second of it, but I think it helps me in as many ways as it hurts me. I want a clean break from him, and my sanity nearly demands it, but my heart, the part of me that can't help but to still love him, is ok with him still being at home. It just needs a little more time to let go of what could have been.

Saturday Morning

I'm working on keeping a routine.

Working nights, its difficult for me to do the same things at the same time every week. I've made a huge part of my personality flexible, so that I can do the things in my life that I need to do, without cracking because I did something on Friday last week, but on Saturday this week.

I probably should get professional help for my OCD.

So my routine this week. I go to Weight Watchers meetings on Saturdays when I work those weekends, but on Fridays when I don't work on that weekend. I broke the mold today and got up early so that I could go to the meeting on Saturday like I usually (50% of the time, right?) do.

I like the meeting leader on Saturday mornings. Her name is Stephanie, just like me, and she has a very attractive personality.

When I look for people to help me with things I'm drawn to the people that I feel most comfortable with. I've been to meetings with other leaders, and I definitely like Stephanie the best. I feel like I can tell her anything. I have a hard time finding people that I feel this way about. People that have that kind of power have a way of hurting you the most. I get hurt by people a lot. I probably shouldn't care about it that much, but I do.

Back to my flexibility. I make myself malleable so its easier for other people. My intention when I started WW was to always go on Saturday, but my fiance (hereafter, FI) didn't want me to leave that early on the mornings that we spend together, so I flipped to Fridays on our weekends off. It didn't matter that it wasn't what I wanted. I did it to make him happy.

I went this Saturday because he didn't come home. He wasn't out whoring around, but he went out with friends, and as his habits seem to be lately, he comes home in the morning. I like that he still hangs out with his friends- I think that maintaining the relationships that you had before you get engaged/married is very important. It helps to reduce feelings of losing the life you had to the life you have now.

What bothers me most about all of it was that I wanted to go out last night too, and he didn't ask me to go. He knew ahead of time too, because he brought extra clothes to change after he got out of work. I feel like he didn't want me to go.

I spent the day (after working all night) shopping and getting ready for a romantic evening in, not napping at all, because I thought he was coming home after work.

I went to sleep by myself in the glow of candlelight, hair done, makeup sexy, wearing lingerie and one of his work shirts.

I'm not flexible anymore. I'm rigid with anger.