Letting the Dust Settle

A few days after I posted my first blog (I'm gonna do this three times a week, minimum!, I said) my dad was in a near-fatal car crash.

He's been borderline diabetic for a while, and what the doctors are thinking is that he had some sort of diabetic shock-type episode. He rear-ended an 18 wheeler hauling a 40 foot roll-off garbage dumpster. Ouch.

He's alive, and walking less than two months later, and I thank God in Heaven for all of the miracles he worked with my father. By all rights, I should be mourning his death, not celebrating his life.

I am in mourning though. Having this stress in my life allowed me to see who and what was really important to me, what was working and what wasn't. My life with my fiance- it wasn't working. We were in break-up mode for a month, and officially broke things off just after the new year.

He is still living in my home. I can accept that he isn't the right one for me, and me for him, but I'm having such a hard time accepting that we spent three years together. We were engaged to be married in less than a year. How did we change so much without noticing that we got that close to lifelong vows without realizing the severity of our problems? It still hurts me now, even though I've mentally moved on, that he couldn't love me enough to help me make it work between us. I know the divorce rate is high, but I (naively, I suppose) think that if people would just work harder on things with eachother, then everyone could live beautiful, happy lives in wedded bliss.

He should be out in about three weeks. Too long, from what my nearest and dearest tell me. All told, we will have lived together for two months past our expiration date. I hate every last second of it, but I think it helps me in as many ways as it hurts me. I want a clean break from him, and my sanity nearly demands it, but my heart, the part of me that can't help but to still love him, is ok with him still being at home. It just needs a little more time to let go of what could have been.